I've put off writing for quite some time now. I'm not sure why, but it's been about three weeks since I last hit the computer. I feel like I lost my stride for a bit...traveling, working, living; it all got hectic and maybe I just didn't have enough to say. Or maybe I had too much to say. I've missed writing. Each day I think about sharing my thoughts, what will I write? What will I say? What "wisdom" will I put forth from what just occurred?
It's suprising, isn't it, when we see oursevles a certain way but then we are hit by someone else's vision of us. This might come through in a comment made, an expectation held or simply a manner in which they behave towards us. I'm always taken aback when I feel as though I am seen in a completely different light by someone than how I percieve myself to be. My boyfriend in college was shocked to learn that I loved hip hop music, he told me that it wasn't something he ever thought I would like. Something some and insignificant I know, but I couldn't help but think..."you don't even know me at all" - and clearly it's stuck with me. Of course there are moments like this that are much more heavy and psychologically centered that really hit deep inside and make me think - what is it that I put off to make someone see me that way? I've always been an open book and maybe that's what the issue is - I say too much and people stick to certain things about me, unable to see the complete tangled mess that makes up the entire "me". I guess these are the times I realize that they way I am seen on the outside it not necessarily the way i find myself on the inside.
Other times, someone will take me to a restaurant and say "it is totally a place you would love" or they will hand me a book telling me "it reminds me so much of you" or they will just know my thoughts and feelings towards a certain subject saying "I know you and I feel the same way about this, we're people like that." And you know what? They are DEAD. ON. it's great - it's a shared bond and it sneaks up on you out of nowhere.
I've been going through this process of "self-discovery" for lack of a better term. Maybe I should call it self-enhancement or self-reflection. Either way, it's a journey to find the inherent "me" and celebrate that. For so long I have relied on these perceptions of others...whether it's how I think I am or not...to make me the "me" that I am. I'm done with that though. I don't want to have someone else's perception become my personality or my traits. There are things that I know for sure about who I am, but there are so many that are hiding right under the surface, internal but not external, laying low because I'm not even sure they are there. But I know they are and I'm on that path to figuring them all out.
Suprisingly, the move to New York was just one catalyst for this self-movement inside my head. Things have been going on that have made me stop and think. A friend asked me what my favorite flower was after stating hers was peonies. Well, I like peonies, maybe those are my favorite too! - I thought. And then, after more reflection...I don't even know what my favorite flower is. I know I don't like roses...but that's not having a favorite. I also don't know what my favorite movie is or my favorite meal. All superficial facts of someone's self, but inherently leads to more thinking...am I this? am I that? I feel confronted daily with the ins and outs of what life brings along and how I react and how that reaction makes me a certain way. whew! a lot to think about....
So much has happened in the three and a half weeks since I last wrote. Personally, professionally, outwardly, inwardly...there have been so many changes and movements, realizations and insights. Many of the things that have happened over these recent days are going to change the way I live my life. Life changing in a way that I never would have expected. In a way that might actually bring me to the ultimate place I've always wanted to be, through a really round about way.
My
first post on this blog mentioned a time for me that was harder than any other. A time that took the love and patience of friends, family and doctors to help me out of. A time that ended with the diagnosis of "you have depression"....followed up by "this medication will save you." And save me it has. Yup, I'm a girl on meds and I'm not afraid of that. This medicine has brought me out of the hell I was in and gives me new eyes to see the world through. This medication is something I will be on my entire life. This medication is NOT to be mixed with alcohol...
SAY WHAT???
Come to find out the medication I take enhances the effects of alcohol while alcohol decreases the effects of the medication. Read: drink alcohol = feel awful (mentally and physically). You may be wondering why I am just figuring this little nugget of information out more than a year later that the first pill was taken. I
may have skimmed over these facts at first, thinking it's just like any other med that
suggests what you should and should not do: take with food, don't sit in the sun, etc. After some bad nights, bad hangovers, and bad days spent feeling a little less than awesome (read - depressive feelings), I figured I'd ask the doctor. She was less than excited to hear that I had been drinking "one to two glasses of wine a day and more on the weekends." Less than excited or shocked/horrified I guess you could say. She said there was no way I could drink that much and feel the way I should. I pretty much am relegated now to 1-2 glasses of wine PER WEEK. (I guess this is a good time to be thankful I didn't go move to Napa and work on a winery like I wanted to a few years back).
Ok, so no drinking for a few months? Nope, no drinking for well, forever maybe.
To quote my mom - "not the end of the world." Sure, not the end of the world to someone who isn't 27, who doesn't live in NYC (maybe the biggest drinking city I've ever seen), who loves the sound of a fresh wine bottle opening, who has to entertain clients for a living, who socializes by drinking, who's friends all drink copious amounts, who has 6 weddings to attend (SOBER now)...
But this "not the end of the world" thought also comes from someone who has seen how addication has plagued a family, not only her own but others as well.
My dad and his side of the family have struggled with addictive personalities their entire lives. Our good family friend and neighbor described himself as a "social" alchoholic, my grandmother was an alcoholic (of which I never knew until recently) and my own dad has been known to down a case of beer in one night. I would never look at my family and think my father had a problem drinking, especially not lately because he has realized that maybe it
is a problem and an issue. Then I look at my own behaviors and think..maybe it
is a problem and an issue. and it's a problem because it affects every part of me - physical, mental, spirtual...
So, I'm now someone who does not drink. Life changing? Definitely. Feeling great now? Better than ever. Regrets? No way.
