The Long Way Around...

It used to give me a lot of solace to live under the guise that "everything happens for a reason." That school you didn't get into? Reason for that. That guy you never made it more than a few dates with? Reason for that. Moving to a certain city? Reason for that. A sickness or death in the family? Reason for that. Didn't get that job? Reason for that. Thinking this way allowed to me to push emotions out the door, turn around and walk the other way, to the next thing that would happen...for a reason of course. The problem was...I never found out what all those "reasons" were.

At the wise, old age of 27 I've come to believe that while things may happen for a reason...the reasons just aren't clear right away. You don't miss the bus and wait 10 more minutes and then know instantly that if you had made that bus, this or that would or would not have happened. Life doesn't work that way. It's not easily and simply mapped out for us. Things don't just happen, we make them happen. We make the choices, we make the moves, we make the plans and then life happens...exactly when we are not looking.

When I look back at the past 10 years, there are so many events that I could say happened for a certain reason, but then I'd drive myself crazy thinking of what those reasons were. Why did I go to University of Georgia, 8 hours away from home? Why didn't I pledge that sorority? Why did I choose the friends I did? Why didn't I go to Law School? Why did I move to Atlanta? Why did I work for Sports Illustrated? Why did I leave that job? Why did I date those guys? Why did I move to New York? Why didn't I move out West?

I could have made things simple for myself. I could have chosen to go to school in Virginia, close to home. I could have moved back to Richmond where all was familiar and comfortable. I could have taken a job that doesn't challenge me or that is secure and stress-free. I could have gotten marriend and settled down. I could have moved in down the street from family and close friends. I could have done a lot of things differently...and things would have happened differently...and maybe it would have been easier.

I could have...but I didn't. For some reason many reasons I made things happen differently. I went to school far away and I struggled with who I was and who I wanted to be. I moved to Atlanta and always knew there was something else out there in store for me, there was more I needed to make happen. I moved to New York. New York is hard. It's by far the hardest place I've ever lived, I think it's the hardest place many people have lived. They say that if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. After 5 months, I know it's true. Everyday is a mix of fight and failure, success and triumph, elation and isolation. But I love it here. If I didn't struggle in this city, I wouldn't know it's victories that lie around every street corner. If I didn't feel alone, I wouldn't have realized how important and irreplaceable friends are in my life. If I didn't mess up, I wouldn't do it better next time. If I didn't step up, I'd always be looking down. If I hadn't moved, I never would have known how much I was missing.

That could be reason enough right now - to find out all that was missing and all that still could be. Sure, I could have made it easy on myself...I could have strayed away from every conflict or heartbreak. But it's those challenges that have brought me to the place I am today. It's a place, a state of mind that knows, no matter what, no matter the reason, things happen. Sometimes they happen because we make them happen and sometimes they happen whether or not we want them to but, in the end, life always turns out like it's supposed to and that, is a great comfort