And So It Begins...

As I sit in my New York City office writing this very first post, I find myself in a reflective state. Is it nostalgia that I feel in this state? Longing? Wistfulness? Or is it remorse for things past? Remorse for a life not quite lived to the fullest even though it appeared to be a life full of joy, happiness, self-contentment and any other adjective used to illustrate one's existence as "full."  Too often bogged down by self-criticism and living by the idea that being hard on oneself was an acceptable way to be...I missed out on...well...a lot in the past 10 years. Words that come to mind are "everything", "life", "happiness", "love". But, I know that's not all quite true. What is true, however, is that living as though you are not the best thing to ever happen to you is completely worthless and empty.

It took me a long time to learn this and, let's be honest, I don't wake up everyday thinking "WOW! I love me!"...but it comes a lot easier than it used to. I went off to college the most confident, outgoing, and self-assured 18 year old girl most of my friends knew. Four years later I left deflated, anxious, insecure and completely unsure about my place in this world. Even though I've thought back to my time in college over and over again, I still can't pinpoint what it was that made me change. Was it the desire to be accepted by the sorority girls and frat boys? Did I think I needed to be super thin to get noticed and to be loved? Did I wonder what my life would have been like had I not left the safety of my home state? Was I always feeling judged? Sadly, I felt and thought all of those things. The only problem was...I pretty much denied it. I denied it and continuted to think and feel all of these things for 3 years after college while living in Atlanta. Stiving to be "good enough" was my mantra...what got me up in the mornings. Good enough for whom or what I wasn't even sure. It certainly was not my own self. A self I didn't even remember.

They say that sometimes hitting rock bottom can be the only saving grace. In my world, it was. During the late summer/early fall of 2009, I completely lost my being...no longer could I find a reason to really even go on during the day. A horrible job, a too thin body, a self-condemning mind, and I was a recipe for disaster. I got very sick and eventually hit that rock bottom place. I never ever thought that I would be someone who is "depressed" like all those people on tv commercials. I always thought, hey, I have more friends than anyone, I have a great job, I'm thin...so I can't possibly be sad. But I was. I was miserable and trying my very best to cover it up because I truly beleived I wasn't. When I couldn't hide it anymore...I crashed.

Thanks to God, my mom, Sarah, Haley, Beth, Emily, Dallas, Megan, Melanie, my dad, June, and a new job at Whole Foods Market...I pulled myself out. I find help from two amazing doctors and discovered what it meant to be "happy" for the first time in my adult life. It didn't happen overnight and the process was hard, painful and tiring for us all...but I came through it and I found strength in myself I never knew I had. The strength to realize I am so worth it...

Fast forward two years and I'm living in NYC...literally and figuratively miles away from where I used to be. I think back many times and don't even recognize that girl I used to be. While I still have my doubts and I'm be no means perfect...I find more peace and more happiness than I ever thought possible.

I'm 27 now. An age that I used to think was the perfect age to get married. An age that I could never imagine myself reaching. An age that used to always make me wonder what I would look like being "that old." Reality has set in and I find myself not feeling the "old" of 27. All I know is that 27 is my favorite number...and that's gotta be some kind of good luck. I also know that I walk around this city inspired everyday...inspired to live, inspiried to love, inspiried to laugh...and it feels so good.

The reflective state I write this in now is one that reflects upon all that is ahead in the future. I am writing this blog to take you all with me along my journey of faith, hope, happiness and excitement. I wrote this first story to let you know where I'm coming from...and to let you know where I'm headed. I hope you find a few minutes of inspiriation from my writing each day and I hope that I can give you a little more insight into my world...my story...my happy.