It's finally sunny and (slightly) warm here in NYC today. After what seemed to be a monsoon last night, the sky has cleared, the sky is blue and the sun is visible. It's been a tough past few weeks here in the city for me. For the past ten years of my life the month of April has brought with it longer, warmer days spent soaking up the abundant sunshine. Life in the south in the spring is LUSH, lovely, lingering...life in New York City in the spring is, well, none of those things. It seems as if spring will never come, I mean it snowed on April 1st for god's sake...it was 45 degrees here this past week...58 degrees has become "warm" and "beautiful weather" - since when did I believe that a beautiful day meant simply just being able to not wear an oversized coat, boots, and carrying an umbrella (that will inevitably fall apart in the wind) just in case? No, a beautiful day to me (in the world I come from)...means beach walks, the smell of warm weather, flip flops (which I still am unsure if people even wear those here), a cold beer just because...
but...everyone keeps telling me, it's all worth it once summer comes. So I wait, I wait for this summer that hopefully will make this "spring" worth it.

On that note, I've decided that this blog will also become somewhat of a gratitude journal for me. I mean, look at all that complaining I just did! Who wants to hear all that. Even I don't...but being able to get it out feel good so I hope you allow me to indulge. ugh...Admittedly, I'm easily swayed by the day to day stresses and schedules that send me flying through to-do lists instead of sitting back and being grateful. It's so cliche to say that we all take so much for granted...but we do. I do. I also know that study after study has shown that gratitude works...it keeps you grounded, it keeps you focused, it keeps you sane. So, long or short post...I will write here everyday to share what I am grateful for that day.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.

It turns what we have into enough, and more.
It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order,
confusion to clarity.
It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home,
a stranger into a friend.
Gratitude makes sense of our past,
brings peace for today,
and creates a vision for tomorrow.

- Melody Beattie

Since I haven't written in awhile, I'm going to let some other thoughts flow out of me...just to get them out and then move on.

I feel lost.

There. I said it. Lost. and you know what? It's kinda scary. It's scary in the fact that I know the feeling is actually going to be good for me in the end...once I find my way, I'll look back and all the bends and curves and hills and mountains I've surpassed along the way will have meaning. I've talked with a very close friend of mine about this "state of being" or not being that I find myself in right now. She tells me that for so long it was easy to define myself by how others around me did - girl in such and such sorority, girl with such and such boyfriend, girl who likes this and that. But now I life in NYC and no one really knows me...I mean really knows me. The biggest trait I carry around in this city is that I'm "southern" - but am I? True, the more I live here, the more connected I feel to the South, but...that's never before been something I would say was a defining characteristic of me. So, maybe I feel lost because no one has told me who to be or who I am or what to do. Isn't that a good thing then? Shouldn't I feel exhilirated by this freedom of starting fresh and new?? I guess even though I feel lost, but I'm not actually lost. I'm simply momentarily wondering.

Truth - I'm wondering around trying to figure out who the hell I am. what the hell I want out of life and how to get it.

Sometimes it feels like floundering. Sometimes it feels like falling. Sometimes it feels like running. Sometimes it feels like walking very, very slowly. The scariest thing is I don't know where I'm floundering, falling, running or walking to. I'm here in this city with an amazing job that might lead to a lifelong career. I'm good at what I do and I like what I do. But do I love it? Does it inspire me? Does it inspire others? Do I touch the lives of others like I hope to do with this blog? All questionable. and the answer to all is no. But, it is where I am today and it will be where I am tomorrow and while I'm here I'm going to start figuring it out.

I'm going to figure out just who the hell I am. what inspires ME. what makes ME happy. what I want to do with MY time. I'm sick and tired of trying to be something for everyone else. I'm sick and tired of trying to fit some mold of what some guy might like. I'm sick and tired of needing validation. I'm sick and tired of being too hard on myself. I'm sick and tired of having my love unreciprocated. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Angry? Maybe. Over it? Definitely. Committed to something better? Without a doubt.

The thing is...life is too short. And I'll be damned if I miss it.

You know, I've been through the worst, I really have. I've stumbled, I've fallen, but I'm only human. I might lost my way, but I will stand back up and I'm not giving up. Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough or strong...but I've always been able to stand back up and I'm not going to stop.

I've learned, and continue to learn, that it's more important to be you than anyone else. So, I'm listing here the things I know about me...the things I don't even want to change about me and the things that make me who I am. The things I will not apologize for but will be proud of. The things that make me who I am and the things that

I love the beach

I love drinking red wine

I love photography

I hope to become a photographer one day

I love being active

I am extremely self aware (to a fault sometimes)

I love farmer's markets

I want to learn to speak Italian

I want to travel

I love sailing

I want to live by the water one day

I want to move out West for a year

I want to LIVE fully

I believe there is more to life than your job

I want to love cooking more than I currently do

I think peanut butter on a spoon is an acceptable meal

I probably spend too much money on food and wine

I can talk to anyone, anywhere...but I love having time alone

I don't like going "out" as much as staying in with a great friend and great conversation

I'm scared I might not find "the one"

I probably think to much about "the one"

I love country music and driving with the windows down

I live for coffee

I love reading

I'm into acoustic shows

I wish I knew how to snowboard and wakeboard

I'm a wanna be world traveler

I'm inspired by the people who open up and share their lives with me

I want to make things happen

I want to live a unique, unordinary, exceptional life

"Your life begins the moment that you realize that you
are not a product of what happens to you...
that "what happens to you" is actually a product
of what you personally create or accept
from others as your own reality.
Once you have a full realization of this...
YOU without a doubt will be able
to start creating the life of your dreams!"

- Ingrid Vargas

Phew, thanks for listening...
a little bit of my heaven: