Well, Let's Just Get This Over With

Each post I write brings up a million other thoughts, feelings and ideas in my mind. My last post, living for oneself, for the small things in life, caused me to think about one possible opposite of living for oneself which would be living for someone else.

Now, there's certainly a lot of ways you can look at "living for someone else" - it can be negative or positive really, depending on who you are and certainly who the other person is. I had mentioned in my previous post that the idea of living for yourself had come up several times lately. The other night at dinner with a new and fabulous friend, the discussion of dating came up. Asking him if he was dating anyone, he told me he was on a dating "hiatus" in order to spend more time on him, what makes him feel alive and what is important, good and true to him. What an awesome idea! I loved it...and yes, I have often vowed to put myself on a dating "hiatus"...

My hiatus' do not last very long. A 10 months ago after a particularly moving chuch service, the pastor challenged all singles (I'm sure there were about 5 of us) to spend a year not dating, not concentrating on appealing to the opposite sex, not spending more attention to the opposite sex and not looking to make others more happy than yourself. I remember walking out of the service invigorated for I was going to take this challenge head on. I'd be spared a whole year of the roller coaster we refer to as dating - you know...the building excitement of the chase, the culmination of the catch, the few days or weeks of exhiliration and then comes either the boredom or, worse, the disappoinment when your "love" is somewhat found to be unrequited. Ugh. Well, I was moving on - bigger and better! Let's focus on God and me, to heck with the men! I quickly spread the word to frriends letting them know I was officially "off the market."

As some of you may know, this euphoric new mindset lasted about a month, a week or so, until I was, ashamedly, pulled back into the love game. I wouldn't even call it a love game actually, more like a torturous, unending, annoying, horrible, up and down game. So 10 months, 7 first dates, 4 second dates, 3 let's try this agains, 2X 1 hot chef  1 "we're just not a match" and 0 significat relationships later...here I am. I'm a little hesitant and pretty darn reluctant to write all this down, I mean, what does the former statement say about me? What's wrong with me that I can't keep something going, can't make something stick, can't hold someone's interest, can't be someone's match?

I've had friends tell me time and again, nothing's wrong with me...it's all about the timing, finding the right person...you know all the stuff that they are supposed to say. All the stuff you say to them. All the stuff that is supposed to make you feel better, but never really does. Much like I've spent the last few years trying to be someone I'm not and live like someone I wish I could be or look like or act like, I've also spent the last few years trying to the girl that whoever it is I'm dating wants me to be...or at least what I think they want me to be. That's a shocking statement to see written down. Even though I know it's true..it's sad to know that I've sought validation from men for way, way too long. That's why my dating hiatus was a huge, epic fail - I needed a man to validate what I should have already known and believed about myself - that I'm funny, outgoing, adventurous, intelligent, thoughtful, fabulous.

I've found that living in New York City has helped me to really believe I am the girl I know I am...without the validation of another. I'm not sure why, but each day I know I'm becoming stronger and more willing to admit that it's ok...it's simply ok to live for me and just be me. Maybe it is when we stop searching for, looking for, or asking for validation that we actually do find it, within ourselves. And that's when love happens.

Admitedly, I'm a romantic. I believe that there are people out there for each of us that might have the ability to be our "soul mate", I believe in fairytales and happy endings, I believe that the moment you meet someone you can just "know" he's supposed to be there with you, right then. I hope that these things are out there for me. Sometimes I don't feel as though they are but sometimes I hear a song or remember a feeling I once had and then I believe again.

I'm not sure if I should go on another dating hiatus, it might be good for me. I think what might be better for me though, is to know that deep down with or without someone to share my life with... I'm still funny, outgoing, adventurous, intelligent, thoughtful, fabulous.

And I will also always believe that the fairy tale is possible...